The Eiffel Tower can get in the bin...and other outrageous travel revelations.

Exploring Paris with your spawn? Here are 7 things that received the Carl-awesome tick of approval.

The Eiffel Tower can get in the bin? That’s very inflammatory, Madame! But I’m French, so I can say what I want, and it will all make sense a little further down…

If you really want to get in the weeds, I’m actually New Caledonian - that weird little Pacific Island bobbing around off the east coast of Australia. It’s a French archipelago frequented by a boatload of P&O aficionados, and in fairness, I wasn’t there long. My family moved to Australia when I was two months old, so really, I’m about as French as Hilaria Baldwin is Spanish. (Is she Spanish? Did that ever get settled?) I am fully bilingual, though. Didn’t say a word until I was three years old. Medical specialists assured my mother I was simply ‘absorbing’ both languages simultaneously and that she should stop dropping saucepans around me because no, I wasn’t deaf.

I digress. Let’s talk about the city of light!

Experiencing Paris and working out what you should see and do will vary enormously depending on the nature of your trip and who you’re with. I was there for three quick days with my husband and two sons - 13 and 9. Here’s what worked, what didn’t, and what blew our tiny minds.

1. We rode the metro. It’s fun, fast, cheap and efficient. Children should know how to navigate subterranean public transport systems. It’s good for them.

2. We avoided any queues like the plague. That meant not climbing the Eiffel Tower. You’re looking at a 2-3 hour wait and I’d rather staple my left tit to a wasp’s nest and pour honey over it, you know? To be honest, it’s gritty, noisy and barricade-y beneath the iron lady, and the best way to truly appreciate her beauty is from afar. We headed to the Trocadero, just across the Seine where you’ll find its iconic fountain and public gardens. We grabbed baguette sandwiches, cold drinks and sat beneath a tree to people-watch and admire the tower from afar. That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

3. We ordered Nutella crepes and cafe noisettes in Le Marais, one of Paris’ most charming neighbourhoods. There you will find pretty cafes, interesting boutiques, secluded gardens, cheap and hip bars. It’s so gorgeous and French, it hurts. I could wander aimlessly around Le Marais for days. My kids, not so much, hence the crepes.

4. We booked in for the Notre Dame VR experience. Hands-down our FAVOURITE family activity while in Paris. Who would have thought? I was momentarily concerned the virtual reality headset would make me dizzy and want to le vom, (I struggle playing Mario Cart on the Xbox on a good day) but this was the single most extraordinary surprise of our stay. If you have kids and teens, do not miss it. And if you think for a minute they’ll balk at the idea of a church-themed VR, you’re dead wrong. I’m talking virtual rain, secret doorways and platforms that wiz you up to the bell tower. We must have said “WOW!” about 237 times.

TIP:

- When buying your tix, make sure you select ‘Notre Dame’ as your location NOT ‘La Defense’

- It stipulates the VR experience is for kids over the age of 10, but Max was 9 and absolutely capable of carrying the VR backpack. No one checked his birth certificate.

- 31Euros adults; 21Euros kids

- 60min experience

5. We had a parents-only night out at Le Moulin Rouge and it was unforgettable. This might be trickier if you don’t have babysitters on speed dial in Paris, but we were staying with family who not only surprised us with tickets to the 11:30pm show, but also shouted us a night at the most glorious boutique hotel in the heart of Montmartre AND looked after the kids. I could have died right there on the spot. We had the most memorable evening, just Dane and I. Lazy drinks in a little bar off Place Pigalle at 8pm, followed by dinner at a local bistro an hour or so later. When the sun went down around 10:15pm (insane, but true), we somehow stumbled across Le Bar à Bulles - a roof-top bar tucked away directly behind the Moulin Rouge’s iconic red windmill blade. What a find. Head down the laneway, (Address: 4 Cite Veron, 75018 in the 18^th Arrondisement) up the stairs, through the courtyard, walk along the bar until you see another set of stairs where people may be lining up. THAT’S the staircase that’ll take you to the rooftop. Let me tell you, I felt like God-damn Satine. As for the Moulin Rouge show itself? Pure magic. The dancing, the staging, the costumes, the bodies, the music, the campness of it all. It was so beautiful, outrageously entertaining, and we would do it all again in a heartbeat.

TIP:

- The 11:30pm show - albeit disgustingly late by Aussie standards - was such fun. Ditch the dinner-and-show combo and opt for the champagne-and-show offering instead. Much better value. Much more fun.

- If you can swing it, book the top floor corner suite at the Villa Royale hotel. It was pure magic and a night we’ll never forget.

6. We entered our French Tarzan era and went to Evasion Verte. When I say ‘we’, I mean our two sons, because Dane and I were trés dusty from our Moulin Rouge escapade. Deep in the Parc Floral de Paris in Vincennes you will find this treetop high ropes course. The boys LOVED it but be warned – the instructors won’t necessarily speak English during the initiation and demo. Which could be problematic for some. You get two hours on the course, with multiple levels to tackle. At one point, both kids were dangling nine metres off the ground and to be honest, I said a petit French prayer that they’d properly understood the blah-blah-blah about harnesses. Remy (13) breezed through it, but Max (9) did require some help in the form of Dane and I bellowing unhelpful instructions at him from the ground. There’s a fair bit of pulley and carabiner coordination involved in this activity so younger kids may not grasp it, unless you’re prepared to make like an orangutan and swing from the branches alongside them.

7. We had a steak-frites lunch in Montmartre followed by a ride in the funicular - a tram that moves up the incline of a hill - to see the Sacré-Cœur and the highest point in Paris. Hold your kids and your cash close in this area, and then enjoy the downhill meander through the romantic alleyways of this lively and bohemian area.

I’ll give it to you straight. If I had kids any younger than nine, there’s no way I’d be doing Paris with them yet. Remy and Max were just old enough to appreciate the beauty and magnitude of the city, and they really did, but let’s be honest - monuments, museums and ‘old shit’ are kid kryptonite. They can climb the Arc de Triomph and visit the Louvre on their own dollar when they’re older.

Have you heard of the French word flâneur? It describes a keen-eyed stroller; a person who walks the city in order to experience it; an urban wanderer happily ambling around the streets at will. Let me tell you, Dane and I were desperate to saunter aimlesssly. Because Paris is for meandering. Oh, how we would have loved to partake in a bit of flânerie. But kids do not flân. They will never flân. Unless there’s an ice-cream or an Orangina at hand and then you’ve got about six minutes of flânerie up your sleeve.

Find the balance where you can. Include a few active experiences for the kids, seek out some green spaces and whacky vertical trams, feed them half-hourly, walk with purpose…and hit me up for my auntie’s contact details if you need a babysitter.

Coming up next on my Substack spew…THE PACKING LIST. A step-by-step guide to my capsule wardrobe and how I got it down to <7kg. Check your inboxes at some point tomorrow, COOC crew!

x Lise

PS. If you’ve enjoyed my Instagram holiday diaries and subsequent banter, then I’d love you to take a listen to our podcast. A brand-new season of The Lise and Sarah Show kicks off on Monday 24 June and you can bet your bottom Euro that we’ll be deep-diving into some travel tales!